Internet Dating Website Universal Application

by Li'l Leonie Lionheart

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7" single recorded and released exclusively for '2013 The Love Exhibition' art show at Paper Mountain in Perth.

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In response to Li'l Leonie Lionheart's song 'Internet Dating Website Universal Application', in which LLL sings her answers to an online dating questionnaire, artists Samantha Riegl and The Thomas Ferguson Band answered the same questions and asked The Newport Dolls to record them.


released September 13, 2013



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Fulsome Prism Recordings Melbourne, Australia

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Track Name: The Newport Dolls - Universal Application for Internet Dating Websites
1. What do you feel you have to offer a potential partner?

a. I've got a lot to offer a man, if I can just find the right way to present it. Former lovers have informed me that my body is noticeably exothermic and you will therefore save money on hot water bottles. I also know a suitable song to play in any given situation, or a suitable song to NOT play in any given situation, depending on which is more important to you.

b. In this relationship you will receive high expectations that you will never reach, constant paranoia, a heart damaged by none other than yourself, multiple fantasies (mainly involving breaking up or showing you up in front of friends and family) and two mental illnesses (depression and borderline personality disorder).

2. What characteristics are you looking for in your partner?

a. Are you kind, considerate, open, will you offer a mutual physical affection on demand system? Do you have a thirst for knowledge? Will you not become nauseous at the possibility of spontaneity, wordplay, adventures close to home?

b. You must be tall and pay attention to me (either drunk or sober).

3. How would you describe the relationship you are looking for?

a. I often feel that my brain, my bones and my heart are restlessly trying to break free of my body; I am hoping for somebody who will make me feel that way for the right reasons. I am also hoping that we can see each other's happiness, joy, contentment &c. as contained somewhere within ourselves, and that they will be threatened constantly by everyday adversaries. I would like someone who can fight them off without even trying, and I will do my best to repay the favour.

b. This relationship needs to be stable, safe and serious. It must lead to an engagement before I am twenty five years old (three years) and marriage before I am thirty (eight years).

4. What's the best conversation you've ever had with a lover?

a. The best conversation I've ever had with a lover, we discussed whether it is more likely that aliens exist than ghosts. My argument was that, because the universe is overwhelmingly vast, even if the possibility of life existing beyond our planet is slim, the sheer size of the cosmos gives even the distinctively unlikely a chance of being real. However her argument was the the universe, however gargantuan, and regardless of how fast it is expanding, is still essentially a finite size, whereas ghosts would presumably exist in an infinite realm beyond our understanding, and so does that not make them infinitely more plausible? I suddenly wanted to kiss her for the first time.

b. I don't remember it because we drank too much goon. You will remember it but deny the tiny details.

5. What things are you specifically hoping your partner is willing to do for you?

a. Are you willing, when the weight of merely existing becomes too much, to stroll slowly, aimlessly, arm in arm through the busy-ness of the city, taking small gentle strides and talking calmly and meaningfully to each other as the world boils around us? Will you unhurriedly look into my eyes and tell me each day what new thing they remind you of? Will you try to understand that whatever you are thinking, whatever you are feeling, however trivial you believe those thoughts and feelings to be…will you always remember they will be significant to me? And will you let me keep reading to you into the night, even if you've already fallen asleep?

b. You must be willing to look after me, marry me and not leave me. Please do not leave me again.

6. Is there anything else you'd like to add?

a. I'm married I hope that's not a problem.

b. You probably shouldn't date me.